Men: Crisis, Doubt and Spiritual Maturity

Conrad Larkin

In Western culture, men have been groomed for success. They are work objects, breadwinners or part of a war or industrial machine. They are not encouraged to seek inner paths. The crisis in which men are immersed is widely felt. Men experience a breakdown of community and a sense of isolation from the elder men who in earlier times would have mentored them in their spiritual quest. When men lose their spiritual roots, they lose their purpose, and this can lead to addiction, homelessness, violence and suicide.

Women face similar concerns on their own terms. A major difference is that women tend to create networks of support and to embrace their inner process. Should men adopt the same model? Not necessarily. Men crave acknowledgment and respect from other men. Because of a long history of competitiveness, however, it is difficult for men to show their sensitive side to other men. Instead, the women in their lives express feelings for them - a situation which in the long term is not very satisfying.

For many men, openings to the mature spirituality that will help them to survive the challenges they face have been nurtured throughout their lives. Others are thrust into a crisis of meaning by circumstances for which they have been ill prepared, such as becoming disabled or being confronted with death. Mature spirituality for men includes self-disclosure, personal storytelling, and questioning or doubt. In this way, men reveal vulnerability and find commonality based on what they have lost rather than on their gains. (By contrast, focusing on gains puts men into a competitive mode, which shifts their energy away from camaraderie.)

Mature spirituality involves the development of soul. Spirit and soul are partners; you cannot have one without the other. Spirit is up, whereas the soul is in the valley. Much of our culture denies the grief that is associated with soul. This often is the piece that is missing in established religious practices. We have the joys, pleasure and happiness, which are wonderful. Soul is made out of melancholy and sorrow, yet ecstasy comes out of the same place. You cannot experience ecstasy until you have experienced the depths, the depression and the losses.

Mature spirituality involves the development of soul.
Spirit and soul are partners;
You cannot have one without the other.

We are all born with spirit; soul is created. In the Christian tradition, the two became collapsed at some point, probably during the Byzantine period. Spiritual leaders dealt with both until that time. Now, soul is often referred to but not given equal billing with spirit.


Maturity in men can be characterized as an ability to come from wholeness even when uncertain. A man with this trait has the power to turn desperation into active purpose. Unless an individual doubts, he cannot use his full intelligence; and unless he uses his full intelligence, he cannot develop mature sentiment free from the magical thinking and self-justification that are characteristic of immaturity.

What other qualities must men acknowledge to open the door to inner meaning? They have to share their wounds, psychic as well as physical, and allow their grief to be embraced. I recently attended a gathering of 80 men where one participant shared the experience of losing his daughter to suicide. Virtually every man in the room was in tears. A group of men grieving in a safe space can experience the losses that have been held in for many years. This will allow the door of trust to open.

To work successfully in the area of soul, you have to abandon the need to control the direction of things. You have to be a partner, not a rival. Soul making includes that sharing of what was the unlived life. Many times this is a lingering feeling of regret about paths not followed. In the process of developing soul, a universal social identity with other cultures and other men occurs. This allows men to drop their identification with ego associated with status or lifestyle.

The development of a man's spirit coexists with the development of his soul. Religion becomes a grounding practice of ritual and myth for men, rather than a "white light" experience. Stories, poems and percussion instruments are tools men can use to reach and then remain conscious of the inner path. Soul making for men has almost become a lost art, especially with the advent of television, the past industrial age and the current technology and information age. The community or tribal practices used for thousands of years in separate and uniquely individual cultures all over the world are again being sought, especially for younger males, to help deepen the male psyche.

Adolescent males, now considered such a problem in our society because of their frequent involvement in gangs and their anger toward male institutions, in earlier cultures would have been guided and sanctioned by tribal elders. This is missing today mostly due to the fact that the elder men who might be available have not themselves been acknowledged by their own elders. The connection has been broken. When men have achieved a maturity of spirit, it becomes natural to want to pass on that practice to sons or younger men in the community so that all may benefit.

In response to the crises they face, men are now enlisting the help and assistance of spiritual leaders. Perhaps a way to start is by developing male mentoring opportunities. When punitive approaches such as building new prisons have been exhausted, the time will be ripe for such a change. Will we then be ready to offer workable alternatives?

Conrad Larkin has extensive experience in the field of geriatric social work and has been actively involved in men's studies since 1984.